Let Go to Live and Let Live

Do you live in a state of chronic stress because you’re exerting too much time and energy trying to control what you can’t control? If you feel compelled to please everyone in your life — or to try to change people so that they meet your expectations — you’re probably micromanaging others in a misguided attempt to feel safe. For thousands of years, people have sought freedom from this innate compulsion in ancient Buddhist perspectives or Stoic philosophy, or more recently in practices like radical acceptance. Alas, the quest for serenity seems never-ending.

Now, Mel Robbins — the popular author, podcast host, and speaker who originated the “5-Second Rule” for getting things done — offers a contemporary take. She calls it the “Let Them” theory: If you can accept reality as it is — in particular, the reality of other people’s behavior, desires, and attitudes — you’ll experience less stress, have more energy, and free yourself to focus on you.

Accept What You Can’t Change

Robbins points out what might seem obvious in retrospect: Whenever you become invested in shaping others’ choices, responses, and thoughts, you spend energy on others that you don’t invest in yourself. It’s an opportunity cost, and it has severe implications because the energy you dedicate to trying to change other people usually goes to waste. Instead, let go of trying to control what other people do, Robbins says, and redirect your attention to more constructive, hopeful priorities. You’ll have the energy and focus to choose your own course of action wisely, and most likely create a real impact.

When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought — you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.Mel Robbins

There’s a message for people-pleasers, too. Robbins points out that when you bend over backward trying to be the perfect child, partner, colleague, or friend, you only exhaust yourself — and you still won’t meet everyone’s expectations. Going further, she highlights that people-pleasing is really only another form of seeking control. Just like the more overt version, people-pleasing causes you to drain your own energy in futile attempts to change other people’s opinions or attitudes. You’d be much better off, she says, if you directed your attention and energy toward yourself and what matters most to you.

Let Live, and Live

Robbins describes how she hit on the Let Them theory the night of her son Oakley’s senior prom. All evening, she fussed over the corsage she insisted he give to his date (who had already said she didn’t want one) and tried to convince him to carry an umbrella (though he didn’t want to). When she found out Oakley and his friends hadn’t made any arrangements for dinner and just wanted to eat at a taco stand in the rain, Robbins tried to take command.

Remember the fundamental law of human nature: You can’t control what another adult says, does, or thinks. Try to and you’ll regret it.
Mel Robbins

At that moment, Robbins recalls, her daughter, Kendall, pulled her aside, looked her in the eye, and told her to butt out. “Mom,” she said, “if Oakley and his friends want to go to a taco bar, let them.” Kendall pointed out each thing that Oakley had told Robbins about what he and his friends wanted to do — and admonished Robbins for interfering. “It’s their prom, not yours,” Kendall said. “Just drop it.”

Finally, the message sank in. Immediately, Robbins softened, her tension disappeared, her stress vanished, and her racing mind stilled. She stopped caring so much about Oakley’s tuxedo getting wet and instead put $40 in his hand for tacos and wished him a wonderful evening.

Relinquish Control to Reclaim Control

Like it or not, others will sometimes have negative thoughts about you; you can’t change that, says Robbins. But if you let other people’s opinions govern your actions, you’ll be captive to their judgment. Once you decide to Let Them think what they want, you’ll escape from the shackles of their opinions. Start prioritizing your own needs. Find the right balance between being a pushover and a bulldozer.

Robbins doesn’t suggest you surrender control of your choices; rather, she encourages reclaiming control by intentionally choosing how you respond. She’s also careful to point out that the Let Them theory doesn’t advise anyone to accept bad behavior or abuse; she firmly believes in setting boundaries and saying no.

You’ve tied your happiness to other people’s behavior, opinions, and feelings. The result? You’ve unknowingly sabotaged your ability to be happier, healthier, and get what you want.
Mel Robbins

Even in everyday situations, Robbins urges readers to take control in more effective, thoughtful ways. Alongside the “Let Them” approach, she recommends what she calls the “Let Me” mindset. Once you “let them,” she says, use the energy you’ve reclaimed to consider the situation anew and identify practical steps you could take to achieve the outcomes you want.

For example, Robbins says, if you learn that, say, your friends are going on a vacation without you, let them. Even if you feel hurt and rejected, recognize that you can’t control their choices. But next, consider “let me”: How could you take responsibility for the situation? For example, have you allowed your friendships to languish by deprioritizing them? The Let Me mindset prompts you to take appropriate, practical action, whether that’s to erect healthy boundaries, invest your time more wisely, or take initiative in a situation. 

Let Them — and Yourself — Be

Robbins’s message is nothing new: The Buddhists and Stoics have been preaching letting go for millennia. Nevertheless, the world needs Robbins’s theory, or at least the way she connects it to modern reality. She offers specific recommendations for practicing “Let Them” and “Let Me” in friendships and intimate relationships, in teams and in families, when dealing with difficult people and when supporting someone who’s struggling.

Putting Robbins’s Let Them theory into practice isn’t easy — if it were, humanity probably would have learned this lesson centuries ago. Given today’s epidemics of anxiety, people-pleasing, and controlling behavior, it’s no surprise Robbins’s original “Let Them” social media post on the subject garnered 60 million views within a week. The message has resonated so profoundly that people all over the world are tattooing the words “Let Them” on their bodies. Well, let them.