When Life Hands You a Mic

Some people are natural-born charmers. When a toast is called for, they’re equipped with engaging anecdotes, a sharp wit, and an eloquent turn of phrase. But for everyone else, unexpected calls to speak can trigger a flight-or-freeze response. Maybe your attempts at composure and eloquence fall short when the moment to speak arrives. Or perhaps, mid-thought, you lose the plot — and the map, compass, and GPS.

Thankfully, award-winning communications educator Matt Abrahams has the cure for your communicative cold sweats and keynote catastrophes. Abrahams, a lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, hosts the popular Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast. He’s turned countless sweaty-palmed stammerers —including Fortune 100 executives, TED presenters, and Nobel Prize winners — into clear, compelling, confident speakers. 

From Panic to Poise

The first half of Abrahams’ book offers a series of steps to help you rise to the occasion when unexpected opportunities for a speech or conversation arise — starting from the moment you realize you’re on the hook to talk.

The first order of business, Abrahams says, is to calm your nerves by soothing both the  emotional and physical symptoms of anxiety. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment, and reframe your nervousness as excitement or anticipation. If you find yourself shaking or sweating, concentrate on your breathing. Abrahams advises slowly inhaling for three beats, exhaling for six, and repeating. Take a sip of water to eliminate dry mouth, and hold something cold in your hand, such as a chilled bottle of water, to reduce sweating. As you begin to speak, pace slowly as you talk to calm any jitters.

Paradoxically, we have to prepare in advance to do well in spontaneous situations, working hard on skills that we know will free us up to bring out our ideas and personalities to the fullest.Matt Abrahams

Abrahams recommends preparing for the jitters in advance by developing an anxiety management plan (AMP). This is an easy-to-remember phrase, unique to you, that will remind you exactly what you need to do when the nerves begin to overcome you. Abrahams gives the example of a new CEO who chose the words “heart, speech, and mind” as her AMP: “Heart” reminded her to focus on the heart of her message, “speech” prompted her to slow down and hit all her points, and “mind” reassured her that her fear of failure was only in her head.

Forget Flawless, Find Flow

Next, Abraham avers, unlock your creativity and spontaneity by rejecting perfectionism. Wanting to perform well is natural, he says, but aiming for perfection stifles creativity. Instead, seek to “maximize your mediocrity”; that is, surrender to the fact that you won’t be perfect, or even near the top of the heap when it comes to speaking. By lowering your expectations, you’ll free yourself to communicate more comfortably. Don’t worry about making mistakes, Abrahams says, and avoid thinking of yourself as a performer. Just talk.

In a delightful paradox, the more mediocre you give yourself permission to be, the better, more compelling a speaker you become.Matt Abrahams

Once you’ve reduced the pressure on yourself to perform perfectly, Abrahams advises letting up on the pressure you put on the event, too. Instead of thinking of your speaking situation as a test of your competence or a trial with life-and-death stakes, reframe it as an opportunity to exchange ideas, connect, or give your audience something they need, for example. And if you make a mistake or faux pas, let it go, he suggests. Focus on what you’ll say next, and maintain a positive attitude. If an exchange takes a wrong turn, briefly acknowledge your feelings, regroup, and move on.

For challenging exchanges, Abrahams recommends centering your focus on your conversational partner by listening. He adapts former basketball player Collins Dobbs’s “pace, space, and grace” model to deep listening: Slow your pace to indicate your willingness to listen, create space to acknowledge and consider the other person’s points, and show yourself grace by listening to your own inner voice, validating your feelings so you can find common ground and connect with the other person.

From Babble to Brilliance

When it comes to the nuts and bolts of speaking, Abrahams offers a few simple structures that can guide your off-the-cuff speeches. A predetermined structure will help you move logically from point to point, translating into clarity and confidence while also keeping listeners engaged. For example, if you’re presenting information, he says, you might choose the “what, so what, now what” structure: Describe the topic, explain why it is important, and end by talking about how listeners can use the information. Or if you’re making an argument, use the “point, reason, example, point” structure: Make a point, explain how you arrived at it, provide examples, and then reiterate the original point.

The second half of Abrahams’s guide provides a playbook for specific situations, such as making small talk, improvising a toast, or giving an introduction. For example, he advises framing small talk for yourself as a way to facilitate connection, find common ground, and share something of yourself. Say you are trying to make small talk with a potential new client at a networking event. Use the “what, so what, now what” structure to reach out. You can pose a question to get the ball rolling, such as, “What did you think of the keynote speaker?” followed by, “How do you think the speaker’s ideas will help in the short term?” and conclude with, “Do you plan to go to the meet-and-greet the speaker is holding later?”

Speaking extemporaneously is more like jazz. It’s about improvising, trying to get and stay in the groove with others around us.Matt Abrahams

Giving a toast or making an introduction can feel especially nerve-wracking. Abrahams advises thinking of these moments as opportunities to pay tribute and acknowledge someone else’s strong points. Once again, taking the focus off yourself is the best path forward. He recommends using the WHAT structure:

• Why — Explain why the gathering is occurring.
• How — Describe your connection to the person in the spotlight.
• Anecdote — Tell an anecdote or touching story.
• Thank — Thank everyone for attending.

So go ahead: Raise your glass, take the mic, or chime in at the meeting. With Abrahams in your corner, you’ve got this. And if things go astray, there’s always the “fake a coughing fit” strategy. (Kidding. Mostly.)